After Math.....

Adoption is painful..... it's a pain that reaches every single part of a birth mom, there is hole that it creates in her heart, that will NEVER be filled, no matter how long she lives, how hard she tries, and no matter how happy is becomes. This hole belongs to her baby, it shrinks over time but it never closes.

I wish I could sugar coat it but its the truth, giving up a child for adoption, no matter how sure you are still hurts, but it get better,  I was 16 when Josh was born and I was 16 when I had to make the hardest choice I hope to ever have to make. To give MY baby boy to another mother, to knowingly walk away and let her raise him. To know I would not be the one to hold him when he crys or to be a proud soccer mom cheering on her little boy. I think it was 3 years later when I was welcoming my third child and my second baby boy into this world that I realized that the pain of not being Josh's mom was an ake vs a hurt.
He is 8 now and it still acks and I think it always will but I have grown to LOVE the ack. Because it means he still has a very HUGE part of my heart, and I wouldn't change that for any thing.

December 21, 2002

My son was born December 21, 2002, 9 something PM. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen, and he was perfect. As the doctor placed him on my chest I knew that this amazing baby boy was not mine to raise. I loved this baby boy more than life itself and I wanted so much more for him than I could give him. So a few hours after he was born I made one of the hardest phones calls of my life to a women who wanted to receive the call more than any thing. "Jill, he's here, he's perfect, and I this may sound weird but I look at him and I know he belongs with you." Two days later I placed  Joshua in Jills arms and Kisses him good by. I know with all of my heart that he is where he belongs I have NEVER even once regretted my decision. There is a LOT more to this story and I will share all of it with you but here is just a part of it. Thank You for reading it.